Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
