i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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