just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
