Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
