I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
