do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
