apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
