The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
