How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
