She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
