she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
