I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
