I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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