i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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