going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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