I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Too much gin, very little bucket
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
