I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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