Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
