Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
