His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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