thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize