ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
