Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
