My sheets look like a crime scene.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
