fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
