i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
