i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
