i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
