i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize