Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
