Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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