We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
