At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
