I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
