Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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