You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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