I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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