you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
