is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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