I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You ruined the universe
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
