So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
