I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
