I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
