and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
