I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
