Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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