I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
