yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It's shark week go big or go home
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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