i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
