I'm lost and stupid without you.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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