That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
