seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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