Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
