Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We were destined to go to rehab together
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
