you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
