I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
