Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
