Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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