I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
