I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I still have a little drunk in my system
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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