I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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