he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
