I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
