This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
