What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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