My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
