Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
