So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
