the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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