apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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