This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I deserve to be covered in dicks
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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